"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...beep)

-------------

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

-------------

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

-------------

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

-------------

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

-------------

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.

-------------

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

-------------

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

-------------

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

-------------

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

-------------

As the medicine takes hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine...you hear a beep....

-------------

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

-------------

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to someone in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

-------------

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

-------------

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

-------------

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

-------------

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

-------------

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

-------------

I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I might even play my beep for you...

-------------

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

-------------

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

-------------

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!

-------------

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}

-------------

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Hi. Now you say something.

-------------

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

-------------

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

-------------

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us